Books By Their Cover

Everyone is judgemental to some degree. You may not admit, but you and I are slaves to the notion of making assumptions about others, to comfort ourselves in knowing that we have some knowledge of their existence. This whole idea unraveled itself to me today.

I was walking in Walmart with my mother, our normal Sunday routine. I counted the reflections of light on the tile and gave in to my mother’s requests to get items we’d forgotten. We walked by a woman, mid-thirties. She was heavy set and had half of her hair died a dark purple. Yes, only half of it. Trailing behind her were 3 girls and a husband. After she was out of range, I let out a chuckle at her choice of hair color. It was not flattering.

About to leave, we passed the family again. I overheard the conversation. “When Mommy gets chemo, she might loose her hair and need to wear a mask,” she informs her young children. I couldn’t believe my ears. Had I just mocked a woman this strong, a woman who had to tell her kids she might not see them get married? I felt terrible. I should have said something, anything. But what was I to say about that to a complete stranger? I couldn’t just show up and wish her luck. I should not have judged her by her appearance. I’m a fair, caring person. Yet I did.

This is what Christmas is supposed to be, a time when we don’t judge based upon wealth or looks or age. We teach our kids that Santa loves you, whether you’re rich or poor, 10 years old or 90. He watches over you and your character. Santa is real, he is always with is. He’s that loving text from your significant other. He’s a hug from a friend. He’s knowing your dad loves you enough to quit smoking. He’s right there at the source of the blood pumping through your veins. That woman I saw means something great to this world. Maybe I don’t know her, but I wish the best to her for teaching me this lesson. I needed to be reminded.

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Here We Go Again

Going out with your ex, it’s a whole new battle that transforms your love life. There’s divided opinions, if anything. Some believe it labels you as desperate and unable to move on. Others find reasons to justify it, whether it’s working out past differences or being “soul mates”. I think it’s a considerable choice, under reasonable circumstances.

I’ve heard many a friend discuss their whirlwind romances. Games that had them going around in circles, chasing after the good but only finding the bad in their relationships. First of all, I want you to know that both of you have to be willing to be in the relationship, not just you begging your sweetheart to fall in love with you again. The interest must be mutual, or else this will lead to issues (especially if inequality of interest occurred in the past). Second, you must know that when and if the relationship ends, you will get hurt even worse than the first time. Problems that caused the breakup in the first place just build up over time. Not only might people disagree with your choice to rekindle a relationship and warn you, but you may also be having doubts yourself.

Not to say that going out with your ex is completely off limits. Being reasonable about it is important. After all, it’s not healthy for any relationship to go back and forth constantly. You need to know when to quit if need be. However, if both you and your partner agree to start the relationship and you’re damn sure you just can’t stay away, it’s ok to give it a chance. I believe in second chances, but nothing beyond that. If you will yourself to ignore the chemistry between you and the person, that’s going to take tireless effort. And they’re going to have to deal with it too.

Whichever direction you chose to go, it’s not easy on your heart. You won’t always immediately know what to do. Remember, there always a marked trail to get you to the most beautiful places.

The Three Things That Matter In Life

In a world where humans continue to complicate life with anything deemed “newer” or “better”, it’s refreshing to have a philosophy that can simplify life into what matters and what doesn’t. I live by the quote, “In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” The vast majority of life is constituted of material things that seemed to matter at one time. The key to making peace with yourself is to look past all this to the simple things that made you the happiest.

Once you realize the causes for you positive experiences in life, you’ll find that love and other feelings, rather than money or your possessions, are what put you on the right track. True happiness is less a result of things man made and more a result of what comes naturally to us.

Everyone has days in which their every action seems to result in failure. It is in our human nature to feel depressed, angry, or frustrated sometimes. The reason why these emotions occur within us is so we can learn to navigate the ups and downs in life. Now if you love unconditionally, whether it’s family or a random stranger, this love will eventually find its way back to you. Love works in mysterious ways.

I make it a point to take care of myself. According to me, “living gently” means respecting myself and working toward being the person I want to see in the mirror 20 years from now. In today’s society, there are countless influences that affect how we view ourselves.  Far too many people think they need to be a certain weight or size to meet the standards. Some go to great lengths to become what society wants them to be. I don’t believe this is taking care of oneself. It’s necessary to acknowledge and accept our flaws. However, we need to overlook them in order to feel truly confident in ourselves.

As humans, we attach ourselves to what feels comfortable and familiar. Often times we have difficulty realizing when this source of comfort is gone. For example, when my relationship ended. For the most part, it hurt. I wanted my ex back along with all the memories we shared. It’s devastating to know that this comfort I had felt with the person was destroyed. In any circumstance where we must let go of something not meant for us, the best we can do is pick ourselves up and move along. We must know that there is something else out there meant for us. The journey we take in search of whatever this is can be rewarding.

With this philosophy in mind, I feel like I can overcome everyday problems. A problem that appears complex can actually be easy to solve if it’s viewed in the right way.This is what life comes down to, three simple things that demonstrate what really matters in the end.

 

How To Get A Better Music Experience

You want to know what really makes me flip my lid? Those hate comments on YouTube music videos complaining about the artist or the song. It seems like as humans we feel the need to voice our opinions regardless of whether the situation is appropriate or whether we will hurt the feelings of others.

Being the music lover I am, I search songs on YouTube in my free time. Even if I try to resist, I cannot help but scroll through endless comments. Usually there is one or multiple people who bitch about the how the song is a remake or the artist is a stupid slut or ***hole. The simple solution to this would be to tell the person doing this that if they dislike the music, go listen to something they do enjoy. But no, everyone has to be disrespectful and have a virtual fight over one meaningless, asinine comment.

After all, music is about unity, creative freedom, and expression. It’s about different people from different places and backgrounds having a purpose to come together and be at peace. We may not all speak the same language, but we can all play music and have that connection. Music is supposed to be a positive experience, not a negative one in which we argue and tear one another apart.

As my reader, I want to give you an idea to ponder and maybe even adapt as your own. Let’s consider the song “Miss World” by Hole, one of my favorite groups. If you haven’t heard the song, you can read the lyrics here http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/hole/missworld.html.

Now if you’re clueless as to the identity of the lead singer, Courtney Love, here’s some info. She’s a highly controversial figure in music. She has a bad reputation, according to some. Most blame it on her drug use and job as a stripper, and of course her marriage to the late Kurt Cobain. Some are fixated upon the idea that he was murdered by his own wife. But nonetheless, many see her in a positive light with her influence on 90s grunge rock, captivating lyrics, and support of the 90s feminist rock group Riot Grrrl. (More on Riot Grrrl will appear on my blog later, thanks to A.)

For a moment, I want you to let go of all your prior judgements and/or opinions of the band Hole or Courtney Love. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never heard of her, think she’s the biggest whore who ever lived, or think she is the queen of rock. Right now I want you to open your mind and contemplate the music and related to it as best you can. The music, that is all.

The song “Miss World” is about a girl who is insecure, a girl who is seeing her life fall apart in front of her. She has the weight of the world on her young shoulders. She is jealous of the perfect girls she sees on tv, in magazines, at school. She calls herself “Miss World” in irony because she feels she is the exact opposite of a beauty queen. Most of all, she’s having a hard time growing up. Girls, I think we can all relate to this. Whether you are (or were) the head cheerleader or a total geek, we’ve all felt there were girls so much prettier or better than us. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I don’t know what to tell you.

Now guys, you probably don’t want to hear about “girly stuff”. Remember what I told you, be open-minded. If you are Mr. Perfect and 100% confident, good for you. We all know that even guys have insecurities.

Now was that so difficult? All we did was analyze a song with an open mind. We (hopefully) related to the song alone and didn’t just write it off because the band “sucked” or you read something negative about them in your People magazine. If we could all just learn to respect other’s opinions, not believe every piece of gossip, and listen for the message in music, we’d realize the true purpose of music. Music is love.

I Didn’t Fit In

I was the kind of girl who never felt she belonged. I think I had to make my own place in this world. To give you an idea, there was my third grade class. All the girls wanted to play “fairies” and so did I. Everyone received their fairy identity, whether it be the green or blue fairy, the evil or nice fairy. Everyone but me. The girl in charge of assigning us fairy personalities, let’s call her Taylor, had forgotten about me. I went up to her and shyly reminded her I was playing too. “Oh yeah,” she said, “you can be the the horse that befriends the fairies.” She pointed out to me to go over to the other side of the playground. I was ecstatic. I finally had a part in their game.

Needless to say, the horse never made an appearance to the fairies. Once again, I was forgotten. I was a little crushed, even though this was a normal thing for me. I couldn’t understand why that hadn’t included me. Was it because of my red hair? Or maybe I was just a loser? I couldn’t explain it. After the fairies incident, I just sat alone at recess. I pondered my life and got lost in my thoughts, whatever they might have been at the time. No one really noticed, but I didn’t blame them because I had this theory that I was invisible.

The next recess and many recesses after that blur together in my mind. I can’t separate one uneventful school day from the next. This continued in my daily school life until about freshman year. Something happened that year. People flocked around me and I suddenly wasn’t alone. I got a boyfriend, then another, then another. People knew my name and greeted me in the halls. For some reason I was no longer treated the way I had been before. Either I had conformed or people had begun to accept me. Maybe a bit of both.

Today I looked back on one of my counseling sessions during middle school. Why I was there is not important, but what has resulted from it is. My counselor dumped a handful of colored or pencils on the table. She had me draw a house. Nothing spectacular, it was just a house.

I recall making it an enormous building, with a sign on the door stating, “You are welcome.” My counselor asked why. I told her that I did not live alone in this house. There were other ones like me, ones who did not fit in. Anyone who needed a home was welcome in my house. You see, outside the walls of my house, we were all outsiders and outcasts. Inside however, we were one huge family held together by our differences. I didn’t describe the people in the house, just that they were different. Some were straight, others weren’t, some were creative, others could barely even write their own name. But we all loved and accepted each other regardless.

I kept this idea throughout counseling and beyond. I believe we should embrace our differences. Today there is such a need to coexist. Ever since I drew that house in counseling, I’ve known that I want to help people accept and respect themselves, to not feel alone or “wrong”. I don’t know how I’ll go about doing this, but it’s what I know needs to be done.

The Many Ways In Which I Flirt

Like many teenage girls, I like to meet guys. I like to hang out with guys. And I like to flirt. Flirting with a guy and having him flirt back is a great mood booster for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I know my teenage relationships won’t last, and I accept that fully. Just because I go out with a guy and like him doesn’t mean I fall in love and believe every word he says. I just enjoy it while it lasts and don’t take my relationships too seriously. How exactly do I flirt? Well, here’s the story:

  • Stealing Your Cell Phone If I make an effort to get ahold of your phone, it usually means I’m somewhat interested. And no, I don’t check your texts to see what girls you’re into. I will act like I’m looking through your phone, but I’m actually putting my number in your contact list. However, I won’t tell you that. You’re just gonna have to figure that out yourself.
  • Asking In-Depth Questions I will usually ask a guy some questions that require deep thinking, to see how thoughtful he is. They would go something like this, ” If you change one thing about the world, what would it be?” If you answer with an “I don’t know”, then I know you’re not my type. I prefer guys with creativity who can think outside the box.
  • Asking About Your Non-Existent Girlfriend If I think the guy I like is single but I’m not sure, I will ask about his girlfriend. If he says he doesn’t have a girlfriend at the moment, I’ll turn it into a joke. Like, “Well, maybe you should get one!” I use this to give the guy a subtle hint.
  • Taking a Long Time to Text Back If I have your number and I’m texting you, I purposefully won’t text back for 15-45 minutes. The main reason being is it makes the guy think I’m busy with other things and that he is not a top priority. This will make him WANT to be my top priority. It’s a guy’s nature to want to work hard for something. If he gets what he wants easily, it’s not going to keep him interested for very long.
  • Asking How Your Day Went If I want to be a part of your life, I’m going to act interested when I’m talking to you. If you had a bad day, tell me. Is someone was being a bitch, complain about them. I don’t mind if you vent to me as long as it’s not the only thing we talk about. Be honest from the very start!
  • Bumping Into You When We Walk This one is a cliché, but it really does get the message across. It clearly wasn’t an accident if I’m already flirting with you otherwise. This basically means that I enjoy being close to you.

Note: I am attempting to come up with more topics for my blog. If you have any suggestions, feel free to comment them below. (:

10 Songs That Inspire Me to Get Out of Bed

Often times I have a day (or multiple days) where I find it near impossible to roll out of bed, throw on some clothes, and get out the door. I just want to smash my alarm clock to bits, settle into my covers, and shut out the world via my bedroom door.This is an experience we can all relate to. If you say you haven’t, you’re either a terrible liar or have one heck of an easy life. What do I do to get myself to function, one might ask? Well, being the music lover that I am, I simply jam out to some tunes. Here are some songs that inspire me to face the world:

  1. “Try” by P!nk.                                                                                                              I’ve never been a big fan of popular music nor do I support the industry, but I can’t deny that this song speaks to me. A line that stands out to me is when she says, “Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die, you gotta get up and try.” Basically the message is that even though it hurts and life’s got you down right now, it will not kill you. You are strong enough to overcome any problem with belief in yourself. You might get knocked down over and over again, but that doesn’t mean you should just sit there on the ground and let that be the end of you. http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859437496/
  2. “Rubber Ball” by Cage The Elephant                                                                           One band that I have always looked up to in times of doubt is Cage The Elephant. They are a huge part of my life and I owe them a thank you for helping me through everything, even when I couldn’t help myself. Rubber Ball is about the lead singer, Matt Shultz. He is at a low point in his life when he realizes that he can’t be all he imagines himself to be. He tries to stand tall and be a tough male figure, yet he still feels like he’s failure at that. He’s admitting to himself that he’s not all that he tells himself he is. He says, “All I’ve got is nothing but a little bit of love, gonna give it to the people and they’ll see.” Everyone has love to give, no matter their story or point in life. Just by showing even a little amount of love to others, they will take notice. In other words, showing a little appreciation can go a long way. http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858856696/
  3. “Anchor Down” (acoustic version) by Real Friends                                                    Real Friends is my current band obsession, among many. A supposedly “emo” band, their lyrics are thoughtful and not to mention I love their name. In this particular song, the singer tells you to, “Anchor down your feet and say, f**k the past and everyone who dragged you here.” What I get out of this is that if you don’t like your past or the people in it, you can let it all go. What’s happened has happened and you need to live in the present and plan for the future. Drop your regrets because they are just extra weight you carry around. To be honest I actually do say this to myself sometimes when I’m upset. If I’m home alone and you were to crouch outside my bedroom window, you’d likely hear me shout, “F**k the past and everyone who dragged me here!”. Doing this really does make me feel better on difficult days. http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858892077/
  4. “Float On” by Modest Mouse                                                                                       “Float On” is one of the oldest songs on my iPod, It’s been with me ever since the beginning of 7th grade. It’s calming like a hot cup of tea and I listen to it when all else fails. I am in love with the line that goes, “Now don’t you worry we’ll all float on.” In a nutshell, don’t concern yourself about the events of tomorrow. Life will keep flowing on as it always has and you’ll be just fine. I think this is a lovely message. http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858489513/
  5. “You Are A Tourist” by Death Cab For Cutie                                                                The whole reason I tried this band was because of the name. When you read the words “Death Cab” you’re thinking, oh, this is going to be some pretty morbid stuff. Then you see “For Cutie” and you think of some adorable folk band who’s known for their positivity. The name “Death Cab For Cutie” just leaves you with this bittersweet feeling when you hear it. “When there’s a doubt within your mind/Because you’re thinking all the time/Framing rights into wrongs/Move along, move along/When there’s a doubt within your mind” are my favorite lyrics of the song. When you’re having one of those moments when you think too much and begin to doubt yourself, you need to trust that you’re making the best decision for you. No one else can control you, and you know what’s best for yourself. http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858864560/
  6. “Gig Life” by The World Is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid To Die         This is an up-and-coming band that I enjoy very much, more specifically their acoustics. You must hear and feel their music in order to understand. My favorite lyrics of “Gig Life” are, “Cause you’ll be home soon but I won’t wait for you. This is gig life.” This pretty much says that if you’re waiting around for someone who is not worth your time or effort, you’re just going to have to move on. Unfortunately, that’s how things are sometimes. http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859457534/
  7. “Bright Idea” by Mother Mother                                                                                  I can tell you that this is about the happiest song I ever listen to. You may recognize it from the Kraft cheese commercial. This is good mood music, nothing negative to it. The lyrics that stand out to me the most are, “I built my life around a bright idea; I built my life around the love that I’ve found.” Basically, use the positive ideas that you have to better your life. They can be found in even the simplest of places. Also, fill your life with things you love rather than things you hate. http://www.metrolyrics.com/bright-idea-lyrics-mother-mother.html
  8. “It’s Alright” by Matt & Kim                                                                                          I think that Matt and Kim are cutest couple/band I have ever seen. Their music is just downright lovely. It always puts a smile on my face. I hope I don’t need to explain this one! The idea of this song is: you got it, everything is alright! Why look down when you can look up? http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859441634/
  9. “Demons” by Imagine Dragons                                                                                    I find it sad that Imagine Dragons went mainstream so fast. I barely had time to enjoy them before their songs were obnoxiously overplayed on the radio. Regardless, “Demons” will always have a place in my heart as a special song. “Now matter what we breed, we still are made of greed,” According to me, this means that no matter how much we try to change ourselves, we are human and can get controlled by greed. But this doesn’t mean that we’re doomed, greed is something we can all work around. http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859429861/
  10. “Houdini” By Foster The People                                                                                  I think Foster The People needs to be recognized for more than just “Pumped Up Kicks”. They have so much more than what’s being played on the radio. This song is my life. Mark Foster says, “Gotta focus on your ability/Focus on your ability/Then they can’t get what they want to steal” He means, if you ask me, that you need to focus on what you love and who you want to be, no matter what other people think of you. You can’t go wrong if you follow your heart and practice your talents. http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858862565/

I’m Single, Bored, and Watching Cat Videos! Save Me!

ShovelThis issue has been on my mind a lot. I’ve been single for about two weeks now. Frankly, I’ve been bored as hell. Partly due to the fact that it’s summer, though also because I have a lot more “me” time. If you’re newly single like me, you might not know what to do with yourself. But that’s ok, everyone goes through this after a breakup! If you’ve glued you heart back together by now, here are some tips to help you have a life again! (And lay off the cat videos and Hunger Games memes, now won’t you?

1.  Beautify.

Not that you’re not a supermodel already, but we all have room to improve, as they say! Work on that post breakup image, girl! Now that you’re over sporting tissues and pajamas as your favorite accessories, it’s time to look at that pretty face in the mirror, You are beautiful, and guys do find you attractive, they’re just going to be different guys than the one you had previously. Take a bath, go to the spa, get your nails done, or buy new makeup. My personal favorite after a breakup is to scout out new skincare products to aid my oily, teenage skin. Not matter who you are, you can always use a pick me up! And while you’re doing this, you’re gonna look hot for the next guy who comes around! Talk about killing two birds with one stone!

2.  Gym Time

After you’re over your guy, it’s time to get fit again! Maybe you ate too many cheetos or watched 13 Going On 30 a bazillion times. Whatever it is, maybe it’s got you feeling like couch potato. I’ve found that going to the gym both boosts my confidence and allows me to meet new people. You will feel so much better if you just get that ass off the couch and moving. It doesn’t matter if it’s zumba or weight training, exercise is a great cure for post breakup boredom. (And if this doesn’t convince you to go, imagine all the sexy, shirtless guys at the gym.)

3.  Get Together With Your Girls

One no brainer I don’t even need to mention is spending more time with friends/family. This DOES NOT mean let your besties hook you up with a “genuinely nice” guy. Don’t do it, especially if you aren’t 100% over your ex. Having a night out with your friend or loved ones is a safe, logical idea. As long as you don’t choose to hang at a bar, you don’t have to worry about drunk texting your ex. Nor will you be drunk anywhere near your Grandpa Jo (hopefully), so there will be no accidents involving your cell phone and your ex.Your best bet is a casual family dinner out or a mall get together with your girls. You’ll be able to have the good clean fun that you didn’t have time for while in a relationship. Both you and your friends/family will benefit from this time spent together.

4. Read a Book

If reading makes you want to yawn and die in a hole, that’s odd because you’re reading a blog. In this free time you have, take the time to read about an interesting subject! It can be anything at all. I personally like to read self help books so that I can improve my advice on relationships, men, etc. It’s in my interest to help others with whatever they’re going through, therefore I read books that help me do that. Take out that ancient library card, scan the dusty shelves, and read to your heart’s content! Not only will it expand your knowledge, it will also help to pass the time after a breakup.

5. Pick Up a New Hobby

With more time on your hands, feel free to try something new. Whether it’s that old guitar in the corner of your room that’s begging to be played or that cooking class you’ve always dreamed of, go for it! Focusing on learning something new can distract your brain from all those sad memories that kept replaying themselves. Hobbies make you more well-rounded and appealing to the people around you. Don’t be afraid to spice up your life!

6.  If All Else Fails…

If you’re dangerously bored at any moment and there’s nothing at all to do, reflect on life. One can learn positive things from even the most disastrous of relationships. You may realize and be thankful for blessings now that you hadn’t even acknowledged during the relationship. I can assure you that you have multiple, if not many, people in your life who love you and always will. You are here for a reason and it’s always your time to shine. The little things in life that we have every day are the ones with the most impact. Pondering positive thoughts, even if only for a few minutes, can take your mind off the negative aspects of life.

Good luck and I hope this post helped you as much as possible! I am always available to give advice and I care deeply about each and every one of you! Have a great day! 🙂

There’s Something About Him

I have a bunch of writing lying around that I think is crap. But someone once told me to have more confidence in what I do. And thanks to you for helping me expand my horizons, even though you did it in the most a**hole way possible. Therefore, I’m taking a risk by posting more of my stuff. Please tell me if you like it or if I should burn it.

My conscience lies deep below the crashing waves, flooding my mind to its full capacity. I awaken from something that is not sleep. My thoughts are far too erratic for the normal person, I think. He says he will be late. I sigh a bit and let it all go. I have maybe half an hour to fantasize. This activity I enjoy, because with the combination of my own wanderlust and music, I can vividly imagine anything about him. The sickly sweet concoction of addictive beats and thoughts produces a high to which I cannot compare to anything else. As if I’d had some other experience to compare these feelings with.

The doorbell chimes viciously, interrupting the mess within my mind. It’s him, and Lord does he look lovely. His clothes never really match, but somehow it makes him perfect. I have a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that is eating away at me, yet it is so right. I’m choked up, as if someone has clutched my neck and held me breathless. I apply my best, winning smile like I have no cares. I greet him. Words escape my mouth, but they come from a portion of my brain that keeps me from falling apart when there is nothing to say. Of all things, I wonder if I look presentable. I have this theory that if my makeup is just right, I say all the things he wants to hear, and I smile like I’ve never frowned, he’ll see past the ugliness I know I can conceal.

Time passes like sand through my mental hourglass. He sits across from me on a desk chair like he is something of a psychologist. He’s 4 feet away, but right now there is no difference than if it were 4 miles. It’s too far. I want him next to me. I want to feel his touch, which is indescribable as anything other than gentle. I hold back due to my thoughts that he is like a cat, affectionate at times, but timid if his weaknesses are identified.

My mind is still floating throughout dinner and during a short walk we take. I carefully brush my arm against his as we stroll my neighborhood. He takes the hint and holds my hand in his. Even this is too much, my thoughts flutter from my head and I have no syllables to speak. All I can possibly comprehend is his touch. And when I have that, nothing else matters. I make a desperate attempt and grab hold of what fragments of a conversation I possess. We return home and I open the front door as silently as possible. I don’t want to socialize with my parents, not with this feeling in my veins.

Somehow we are back in my room, where I am closest enough to comfortable with him around. I motion for him to come sit next to me. The weight shifts to the other side of my bed. I feel quite whole now. I run my fingertips over his pale arm before taking his hand once more.

My thoughts are somewhat bewildering, such as the reason why his veins are so visible is because he is a creative being. Therefore, he needs more blood pumping to his brain to be able to develop such elaborate works of poetry. My current worry of many is that he can read through my thoughts like they are emails back and forth.

We discuss things, things that don’t mean shit because being with him almost overloads my aching mind. He is stroking my thumb with his. I am having a hell of a time focusing. I pretend I don’t notice it in order to continue whatever pointless statement I’m blurting out at the moment.

Next thing I know, his arm tightens around my waist. Classic, but it’s more than ok. In a spare silence, I quickly think back to the sonnet that was clearly discussing my character and behavior. He had written, “The hope that she loves me too, I cling.” I debate whether he genuinely believes he loves me or if it is just a budding thought he put down on paper. Hell, I don’t know.

My mind is startled into reality for the millionth time today when he is rubbing my forearm up and down with his thumb. My universe, my dreams, and my desires all come crashing down in a beautiful, disastrous fashion. I’m paralyzed, I can’t talk any longer, it’s too much. All I am capable of is wondering whether he knows that this is driving me crazy. I want him to quit because my brain can’t function to speak. However, I egg him on telepathically to keep going, because in times like these words are not necessary. They are just barricades to prevent expressing these twisted infections called feelings.

I am experiencing a sensation neither new nor old. It is not relative to anything man-made. Whether I have felt it before, I cannot fathom. It is a connection between my heart and brain. It is white noise, expect it is felt instead of heard. This unknown frightens me and excites me so.

It is in this very moment that I realize what makes me want him. He has an unspoken rhythm in everything he does. Not just those wonderful, obvious things, like when he picks up his guitar. Or when I read one of his poems to myself and smile. No, it’s in his touch, his voice, the way he looks around constantly when he’s nervous. If only I had such a rarity as well, I would be worthy of his affection. I am so empty of talent, of consistency. Why he cannot see that I do not understand. Sure there are other fish in the sea, but none will ever swim is gracefully as he does…

Bethany Durham

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The No Contact Rule and Why It’s Tempting to Break

Today, it  hit me. I was lying in bed this morning, just going through my Instagram on my iPhone. I liked my friends’ photos, then had a thought. I would check my ex boyfriend’s Instagram, just to see how he was doing. I have honestly been doing this a lot lately. Not stalking him, just seeing how he is due to the fact that we have no communication otherwise.

It was so easy to do, just two quick clicks and there he was. He would have no idea that I even looked at his profile. No harm done, right? Wrong. This needed to stop. I had written some post-breakup rules in my previous post, and I wasn’t even following them myself. It was time to really move on.

As I was thinking this morning, I realized why the No Contact Rule is one of the most difficult to follow after a breakup. We are used to having that special someone in our life. We might text every second of the day, hang out all the time, or Facebook message 24/7. But now, your life is different without that person. It may even be completely unfamiliar, depending on the length of the relationship. With all this extra time on our hands, we might get desperately lonely. It’s tempting to check up on our ex using social media. It’s fast and often discreet. The truth is, however, we are using social media to continue a connection with our ex. This connection must be severed in order for us to move on. 

Here is what happens when the No Contact Rule is broken via social media:

1. We get lonely and the temptation to stay part of our ex’s life is too much to bear.

2. We click a few buttons and see what our ex is up to.

3. We might see something that upsets us that the ex is doing (starting a new relationship or something negative about the breakup).

4. We get upset and those thoughts of our ex keep popping up.

5. We are still hung up on someone who probably isn’t hung up on us.

The main problem here is that when we see our ex, either through social media or in real life, it sparks unnecessary thoughts. These could include regrets about the breakup, second guessing yourself, or putting yourself down. Now that these thoughts are back in our head, we have even more trouble getting over him or her.

The bottom line is, don’t speak to, message, text, call, etc., your ex. You need at least a 2-3 months before you even think of doing this. Shut him or her out of your life. They are not a part of it any longer. I know it’s hard. I know it sucks. If you find yourself tempted to break the No Contact Rule, go do something. Whether it’s reading a book, taking a walk, meditating, meeting a friend, or just watching the telly, it’s something distracting. I have faith in you that you have the willpower to do this. Good luck. 🙂

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You will get through this.